This Week in Sport.

Beginning on a positive note, the China Dream Team, coached by Xi Jinping, had a belated win in the Babes in Space Series.

“The Shenzhou 10 astronauts (or “taikonauts”) beamed down China’s first live space science lesson video to 330 elementary and middle-school children in Beijing from their position onboard the nation’s Tiangong 1 space module. More than 60 million students and teachers also watched the televised broadcast from around China, according to the state-run news agency Xinhua.

Nie Haisheng and Wang Yaping — the second Chinese woman to fly to space — demonstrated the high points of weightlessness during the lecture while Zhang Xiaoguang photographed the lesson, which was broadcast live on China’s state-run CCTV news channel”. Thnx to http://www.space.com
In a carefully choreographed number of set plays, Ms Wang struck martial arts poses, fooled around with scientific thingies, and generally smiled her way into the Sino pantheon of positive role models alongside Lei Feng, Gu Kalai and Li Peng.

While Mrs Wang, a married major in the Chinese air force and a rather plain looking doxy, scored big on the Dream Team’s propaganda leaderboard, cynics would be more interested in how the 330 school children were selected for this edutainment. You can bet the farm that Beijing’s power mums went into guanzi and red envelope overdrive when the selection process was announced.

Meanwhile, back in the real world of work, searching for work and weekend relaxation, China’s national football team is now on par with the Japanese Army during its period on the Mainland in the popularity department. Successive losses to Holland, Uzbekistan (where the fuck is that) and the Under 21 loss to a second string team fielded by minnow Thailand played at home, casts doubt on the whole football enterprise in Sino-land. Shanghaiist provides a pretty good account of this new low, and Why China hates its football team by Adam Minter must be the most syndicated article in months.

The Hefei defeat took place on Xi’s 60th birthday – Happy Birthday, Pal – but he has been displaying all the signs of some sort of serious mental affliction prior to this embarrassing drubbing. China Sports Review reported in July 2011 that:

“After the meeting, Sohn Hak-kyu gave a football autographed by Park Ji-Sung to Vice President Xi as a present. As a football fan, Xi expressed that China’s World Cup qualification, hosting of the World Cup and winning the World Cup are his three wishes”.

Now Xi is now suggesting some sort of football alliance with premier narco-traffickers Mexico during his recent visit South of the Border:

“I’m a football fan myself. The Chinese football players have worked very hard, but so far, our national team has qualified for the World Cup only once. It was Mr. Bora Milutinovic who led the Chinese football team to the World Cup and who also happened to be the head coach of Mexico’s national football team. We hope our two countries will win even more gold medals in cooperation,….”

Rather than mention his Chinese Dream in this speech, he envisaged a “global vision” and a “comprehensive strategic (Football) partnership” with Mexico.

Make of this nonsense what you will, but I think he is clearly deranged or has ingested some of the more dangerous substances which go into traditional Chinese medicine.

While the Chinese national men’s football team now ranks above Pitcairn and the Falkland Islands – no mean feat – readers would be wrong in blaming the monumental corruption which permeates the Beautiful Game from top to bottom, or the coach Jose Antonio Camarcho, who I note has a tightly written contract which the Chinese Football Association cannot simply cannot weasel out of without really pissing off FIFA. Among other things, salary and who on the China-side is responsible for covering his tax bill, Camacho’s contract wisely contained no mention of performance indicators. Wise fellow and welcome to world of real grifters like Mourinho.

No, to understand the root causes behind this lack of Sino football fighting spirit, we have to go back to a report in the Yangtze Evening Post (since deleted) when a coach from Tianjin Locomotive identified the key to football selection success:

“Genital examination is necessary. Looking at a boy’s penis size and shape can give you an idea of his hormone level. Boys with short, thick genitals and tight scrotum are good for football playing.”

Given its lack of success on the football pitch, we could draw some conclusions about the norm in China, but I’m not so sure, since we are entering the complex world of evolutionary biology and human sexuality.

Readers will recall the recent Report in the National Academy of Science on male member size and its capacity to attract women. I should add that the data used in this study was based on a large selection of Italian males, all of whom were no doubt relatives of Alessandro.

He has loved many women, very much. Thnx to  Heart of Beijing

He has loved many women, very much. Thnx to Heart of Beijing

The findings of this study really exercised the readers of Science Now – 280 comments in all – and many expressed scepticism, noting a range of other female considerations not factored into the investigation. The most interesting came from Ana Mercedes, independent escort based in Zurich, who argued:

“What about a pretty face, a nice refreshing smile, and even more important for male attractiveness, a beautiful and charming personality?”

You can meet Ana here and bring your cheque book. Harmless site, okay.

So if you are a member of the Chinese men’s football team and are experiencing member anxiety, but have a pleasant personality and a shit eating grin, Ana could be worth a visit when you next get an away game in Europe.

Your performance on the pitch might improve and you will help Xi fulfil his China Dream.

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6 Responses to “This Week in Sport.”

  1. justrecently Says:

    Football begins with the fun of it, and with fhe fun of playing with and against others. That concept, however, is an absolute foreigner to Chinese sports cadres, as far as I can see.

    I’ve heard too many Chinese people discussing the $ “worth” of players – and no details of a game – to believe that China may become a football superpower.

    Dream on, Chairman Xi.

  2. P'i-kou Says:

    The Yangtze Evening Post article is still up (and has been reproduced on many other sites anyway). Other than the coach in question, two (named) medical professionals are quoted in it as defending a compact membrum virile and a taut scrotum as legitimate requisites for aspiring players.

    I’m not sure these criteria are terribly well supported by the results though. As per Wikipedia, Tianjin Locomotive has never risen above the ‘third tier’ of Chinese football, despite luring prospective players with the promise of a secure job at the Railways Ministry (which the club used to belong to) once they stop playing. That might be less enticing now that the Ministry has gone extinct, but the club itself seems to be alive and kicking – and I guess still looking for the sufficiently taut-skinned.

    • justrecently Says:

      I think what counts is funding, and dedication to the sport. The funding is there (and expertise is available), love for the game is needed, and everything else looks like useless chatter to me.

  3. kingtubby1 Says:

    P’i-kou. Again, thanks for the fact checking and the update.

    Recall the claim at the time, and there are still about 6 references about this member examination avail online.

    Are the two medical professionals you mentioned Chinese by any chance?

    Anyway the whole piece was designed to give me an opportunity to indulge in one of my favourite vices: jeering.

    • P'i-kou Says:

      Yes they are: one Sun Zixue (maliciously translatable as ‘self-taught’) from a ‘Chinese-Western Medicine Integrated Reproductive Centre’ in Henan, and this Dai Yutian from up the Drum Tower Hospital in Nanjing.

      The gist of their expert advice is glossed here and on the Globule Times. It’s based on both ‘normal testosterone secretion’ and sheer geometry. Not overwhelmingly convincing but who am I to judge?

  4. kingtubby1 Says:

    Sorry about the delay here. I don’t use moderation. Must be an evil pixie in my pc.

    I was on Chinasmack when it was initially flagged, but I deliberately didn’t use that link as I’m trying to bury my juvenile princeling past.

    Dai Yutian. if that’s not a doctored cv, …….

    Coming from a medical ed background – STDs, an area of practice which has something to do with genital organs – plus having completed a couple of ESL gigs in Chinese hospitals, my regard for Chinese medical practice could go under a snake on stilts.

    Still have fond memories of break time though, sitting in the cadres opulent board room drinking tea with some of the nurses.

    Most half-decent medical journals such as The Lancet absolutely refuse to accept research write-ups from Chinese rabbit ears “doctors” rabbit ears.

    Thanks for the bi-lingual research.

    Tremendous stuff.
    Cheers.

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